How to Get A Job In Wine

Someone very kindly sent me a wine industry professional's CV. I don't know why they did; but the following line was in the CV's preamble (yes, CVs nowadays have preambles)

"Her professional mantra is to create innovative, effective and sustainable communications that result in tangible change."

Let us consider what this means, if anything at all:

professional: this means nothing more than someone with a job.

mantra: whether it be in its Buddhist or Hindi origins, or in management speak, mantra is basically about repetition. Original or valuable thought has nothing to do with the word mantra, hence:

The unquestioned and anti-intellectual link to the notion of creation: create

'Create' is a very strong word for someone to so freely use with relation to wine work; but they seem to like that word 'passion' too, don't they? Yet let us get back to the second, key phrase:

innovative, effective and sustainable communications

Talk about a crash-and-grab job-lot of words... Apparently the person behind this CV wants to talk to fellow professionals in a way that is new and in a way that works. Good luck with that. Plain speech might be one way to try it, however. And as for that stupid word "sustainable", I'm not even going to bother explaining the vapidity involved in its use...

All of this hitherto fabulous communication leads us to an important non-point:

tangible change

Leaving tangible change temporarily aside, let me say that I'm a big fan of intangible change, because no one seems to notice anything has happened. Often nothing happens at all, which is fantastic, not too mention sustainable. Tangible change, on the other hand, is always tricky to reverse. Being irreversible it is even worse when that tangible change isn't defined. Goodness knows what might come about when you hit the random "tangible change" button and then pop out of the office for a heads-up-touch-base-double-latte-a-cino.

So the CV's preamble might be better rendered thusly:

"My job is to repetitively talk to customers on the phone: as a result there will be an undefined change. Oh, did I mention the word "sustainable?"

Fuck a duck... Sorry, I mean I urge you to employ this person.