The TLA/GFC/RTD Nexus

Maybe it is the pre-mixed can of Bogun and Coke talking, but I reckon that RTDs are still on a roll. Despite our Federal government's tax attack on these evil, binge-drunk, violently-behaved beverages, they are still being created, as if from some kind of unstoppable torrent. Indeed, in so many different colours, flavours and silly names do they come that even a company like Hyundai would be shocked.

And the reason RTDs are still selling comes down to an odd nexus: TLA/GFC/RTD.

A Three Letter Anagram / Global Financial Crisis / Ready To Drink nexus.

Taken singly none of these TLAs really matter that much; but combined they bring to bear the power of everyone's inner bogun. That redneck snapping at each and everyone's heels. The linguistic shortcut that an anagram provides leads us straight to the antidote to fiscal uncertainty. Drink. Drink mixed with other drink. Drink and other drink mixed together in a can. An RTD. All you have to do is buy it and open it and drink it. Six of them. Then you swear at the government, fight with your mates, get thrown out of the pub, and - how should it be put? - become belligerent in your domestic environment.

This news is in no way new, however.

RTDs have their roots in cynical marketing and the stupidity of the masses. There is a neat Latin phrase for this, of course: Coca-Cola.

And if we are talking Latin, we might as well be in Atlanta. In Atlanta in the 1870s a druggist called John Pemberton was successfully selling an RTD called French Wine Coca. Successfully at least until the city of Atlanta decided to bring about a prohibition of all alcohol. The ban never went ahead, but in the lead up to its supposed enforcement Pemberton had to find a way to keep his business going. He removed the wine from his wine coca recipe and added distilled fruit essences. The formula already had kola nut extract in it, so Pemberton called the new drink Coca-Cola. Without the wine, the thing was a real winner, not too mention a real upper. Because it was a soft drink full of the coca plant's key attribute: cocaine. With no legislation for control of such drugs until WWI, it took off. Coca-Cola deny that their drink ever contained cocaine. I wonder if one day the RTD manufaturers of our own time will deny that their beverages ever conatined alcohol. Or that kids drank them. Or - worse than anything else - the drinks were really awful. To drink.

But they shoot Vegemite, don't they...

How to Get A Job In Wine

Someone very kindly sent me a wine industry professional's CV. I don't know why they did; but the following line was in the CV's preamble (yes, CVs nowadays have preambles)

"Her professional mantra is to create innovative, effective and sustainable communications that result in tangible change."

Let us consider what this means, if anything at all:

professional: this means nothing more than someone with a job.

mantra: whether it be in its Buddhist or Hindi origins, or in management speak, mantra is basically about repetition. Original or valuable thought has nothing to do with the word mantra, hence:

The unquestioned and anti-intellectual link to the notion of creation: create

'Create' is a very strong word for someone to so freely use with relation to wine work; but they seem to like that word 'passion' too, don't they? Yet let us get back to the second, key phrase:

innovative, effective and sustainable communications

Talk about a crash-and-grab job-lot of words... Apparently the person behind this CV wants to talk to fellow professionals in a way that is new and in a way that works. Good luck with that. Plain speech might be one way to try it, however. And as for that stupid word "sustainable", I'm not even going to bother explaining the vapidity involved in its use...

All of this hitherto fabulous communication leads us to an important non-point:

tangible change

Leaving tangible change temporarily aside, let me say that I'm a big fan of intangible change, because no one seems to notice anything has happened. Often nothing happens at all, which is fantastic, not too mention sustainable. Tangible change, on the other hand, is always tricky to reverse. Being irreversible it is even worse when that tangible change isn't defined. Goodness knows what might come about when you hit the random "tangible change" button and then pop out of the office for a heads-up-touch-base-double-latte-a-cino.

So the CV's preamble might be better rendered thusly:

"My job is to repetitively talk to customers on the phone: as a result there will be an undefined change. Oh, did I mention the word "sustainable?"

Fuck a duck... Sorry, I mean I urge you to employ this person.