Debonair - the Airline for Blokes

News today that the trans-Tasman air-lift is going to drop in price. Australia-New Zealand air passage will soon be recognised as a "domestic" leg, therefore the ticket prices will be much lower. Good news if you're an early-retiree, or a sheep with a love of travel, or both. Also news that Virgin Blue's offshoot, V Australia, will fly to South Africa and Thailand. Ditto, hooray. Yet with all these improvements and lower prices I still can't help but think the airline industry has missed a big opportunity. And that's why I'm launching my own airline. Come Monday fortnight I’ll be breaking a bottle of champagne over the nose-cone of the first Airbus in the new fleet of Debonair.

Debonair will be this country’s first airline devoted entirely to blokes.

Businessblokes, tradesblokes, footballers, self-funded retirees, blue collar, white polyester collar, media professionals, and blokes from the agribusiness sector (formerly farmers). All blokes will be welcome; and I’m confident Debonair will be welcomed by all blokes.

This new airline has a suite of in-flight services that will certainly appeal to the bloke within each and every one of us. To begin with, we’ve revolutionized travel classes. The days of business versus economy are gone. Step into our Airbus and turn left and you will quickly find yourself in the luxuriant surrounds of Classy Class. Here, positioned around a large practice putting green, are 25 seats taken from as-new Holden Statesmans. Hostesses are all dressed in evening gown and are as happy to offer you as much cabana, cheese cubes and Crown Lager as you can swallow. Better still, all of Debonair’s pilots are former Australian test cricketers who, once the flight has evened out, are only too happy to wander about the Classy Class cabin, having a few Crownies with passengers and talking at length about their former sporting careers.

Of course, if this sort sophisticated travel seems a bit too rich for your liking then you can always buy a ticket for the back of the plane, otherwise known as Bloke Class. This is an entirely open-plan class around which runs a large horse-shoe shaped bar. At the very tail of the plane is a marine-grade stainless steel urinal. The bar is entirely complementary, which includes chips and beer-nuts. The only exceptions to this are the cigarette machines. These are bolted to the walls besides the urinal and can be operated with the aid of $2 coins. Should you need change to operate these machines then please ask our helpful barstaff. They are all young women wearing bikini tops and combat shorts. Should your enquiry be more personal ask to speak with one of the bar’s duty managers. These men are all former Australian test cricketers who will be happy to have a few beers with you and talk at length about their playing careers. For safety reasons no carry-on luggage or dogs are allowed in Bloke Class.

We’re confident that Debonair will enjoy clear skies and happy passengers, many of whom might just make our flights their new local. The fleet will expand quickly to a dozen planes by Xmas, after which time we are planning to pop a gaming room and a ladies’ lounge on each wing.

Roger that.